Nowadays, there seems to be a common misconception that many parents have in regards to the activities their kids do. This misconception contributes to less resilience in kids, more struggles at home, and more “quits” than anything else . On top of that, in my 20+ years of working with thousands of kids, it seems to have gotten worse.
The misconception is that kids should enjoy all their activities all the time, that they should always find it fun, or that they should always be motivated to go and/or try their best. Parents tend to think that if any of those things are not happening, that that is the indicator that they should stop. These parents tend to be the same ones who wonder why their child never sticks with anything.
The reality is that no matter how much you enjoy something, or how good it is for you, you are not going to be motivated to do it all the time. You may even go through long stretches of time feeling unmotivated. Like each day feels like a grind. Like you just want to throw your hands up in the air and give up. Well, your child is no different. So it is an understatement to say that the expectation that they should always enjoy everything they do is only going to hurt them in the long run.
It blows my mind how much freedom some parents give to kids to make their own choices about things that are really important. As if their child has the maturity and forethought to make an educated decision that is good for their overall development as a human. When you ask your child if they want to do, or continue, a specific activity; what do you think they are actually basing their answer on? Do you think they are considering all the pros and cons? Do you think they have reflected on all the experiences they have had up until that point? Or considered the fact that it's going to be challenging? Do you actually think they are going to choose short term discomfort for long term gain? Of course not! Heck, we aren’t even that great at it as adults. So what makes you think your eight year old actually knows what's best for them?
That is not to say that I think children should never have a choice. I just believe it should be choices within reason. Generally between two things you feel are acceptable. For example: asking “do you want to go to martial arts today?” is not the same as asking “do you want to go to martial arts on Monday or Tuesday?”
By the way - when was the last time you wanted to do the things that you know you should do, the things that you know are good for you, all the time? Exactly…never. Talk to anyone who has reached the pinnacle of success in their given field, or achieved a huge life goal, and I guarantee you will hear about all the times they wanted to quit before getting there. The road to success is not straight and paved with endless enjoyment. It's labyrinth is full of dead ends, personal demons, and self doubt. But that is what makes that success worth it -Right?
So if those kinds of challenges affect even the most accomplished; what makes you think that your child is exempt from any of it? Your child may not have the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to understand and communicate why they don’t want to do something, but that doesn’t keep them from experiencing all the same challenges on the road to accomplishment.
Look, I get it. Pushing your child to do things can be exhausting. You want your child to want to do it, or make that choice, because it makes your life a heck of a lot easier. But you have to remember that if you let your child make the choice, even if it is the choice you want them to make, it only saves you a struggle in the moment. It does not guarantee a struggle free journey.
While letting them quit martial arts or soccer doesn’t seem like a big deal either way. It's more about the lesson they are learning by quitting something as soon as it gets hard, or isn’t as fun. All they learn is that those are acceptable reasons to stop. The more you allow that to happen, the more it starts to become a habit. I am pretty sure that no parent wants their child to be in the habit of quitting.
Remember, it is not your child’s responsibility to determine what is good for them. It is your responsibility to teach them what is good for them. Even if they don’t see the benefit of it. Especially if they don’t see the benefit. Only then can we be confident they will develop the tools necessary to make it through the other “labyrinths of life” so that they may achieve all the goals they aspire to.